As guys, we all need some time out with the boys, hockey, golf, cards, whatever, just to shoot the breeze. Our friends meet needs
that can't be met by wives, kids or coworkers. We need the
camaraderie, the jokes, the friendly competitions, and someone to
watch the big game with. Friends help us blow off the steam created
by the pressures of life.
On the other hand, friendships can have a dark side if they're not
chosen wisely. Sadly, I have counseled many marriages that have been
shipwrecked because of things the husband has done when he was out
with the boys.
A real friendship is so much more than just hanging out, watching
hockey and shooting pool. If we allow them to, a good friend has the
power to be a tremendous source of strength in our life. God loves to
use good friends to bring the best out of us. Here are some
suggestions for getting the most out of your friendships.
Set the Bar High for Your Own Life
Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our
friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just
hanging out with the boys after a game. It's fine just throwing the
ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, pounding a few brews
back and then going home. For many that's enough; that's what
friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have
to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.
Do you want to have a better marriage, or do you want to let it
slide? Do you want to be a good Dad, or just stand by frustrated
while your kids go sideways? Set the bar high for yourself. Ask God
what He still needs to do in your life. Then, commit to being a
person of character and integrity, and build friendships with people
who you know will help you get there.
Choose Your Friends Wisely
It's an old adage, but it's still true: a bad apple wrecks the whole
lot. You will become like those you hang around with. Look to the
people you spend the most time with: in essence, you become the
average of your five closest friends. They are a good indicator of
the kind of person you are going to become.
That's why it is so critical to choose those friends wisely. Be
careful on surrounding yourself with people who are going to bring
you down and possibly pull you away from your family and from what
you know is right. Decide to bring people around you who are going to
lift you in some way; who will challenge you and help you grow as a
person, as a husband and as a father. Every man needs friends who are
going to make them stronger. There are a lot of things in life we
have no control over, but we do have the ability to decide who we
spend our time with and who we are going to be the closest to. Look
for those who will strengthen your convictions and not draw you
towards compromise.
We hear a lot about the dangers of kids falling into the wrong crowd.
Peer pressure leads them down roads that they shouldn't be going
down. What we often don't realize is that the same thing happens as
adults. As I said, I have worked with many couples who are fighting
over, and even breaking up over what one partner did with his or her
friends. If that describes your situation, you need to make things
right with your spouse, and put some boundaries in place so that it
doesn't happen again. Don't defend stupid, selfish behavior.
Now, does this mean that you have to shut people out of your life if
they don't measure up? Absolutely not. In fact, maybe you can be the
friend in their life who helps them to grow to their true potential.
But this is not the kind of friend that you should spend most of your
time with or go to for advice. For that, you need a friend that you
admire - someone who inspires you to be your best.
Be Willing to Share
Okay guys, I know what you're thinking. Oh, here we go. This is where
he tells me to get in touch with my feelings; to sit around in a
circle with my friends, hugging and weeping…
Well, good news: you don't have to go that far. But to really
experience the benefits that good friendships can bring, you do need
to be willing to let your guard down and open up more. Share your
life goals, and even take the risk of talking about where you're
falling short of them. This seems dangerous, because we somehow think
that we're the only one with problems. But as we courageously let
others see this side of us, we will discover that they are struggling
too. Then we can support each other to begin to make the changes we
know are needed. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one
man sharpens another." A good friend brings the best out of you,
always helping you do what's right.
For the past fourteen years, I have been meeting weekly with my
friend Larry. He's been bringing the best out of me. I'm not afraid
to tell Larry that I want a better marriage – and he's not afraid to
admit that he wants a better marriage too. And most guys, if they are
willing to get that vulnerable, would admit that. No one gets married
saying, "I want a shoddy marriage." Everybody wants a good marriage
and family life, but no one finds it easy. So we can relate to each
other on this level and help each other through the battles, because
we've all been there.
You may not be used to sharing with other guys in this way. That's
okay. It takes time to develop trust - a feeling that this is a safe
place to expose who I really am. But as you take that risk and work
towards openness, you will experience the benefits.
Be Accountable
Let's go one step further. A good friendship provides a safe place to
share our deepest struggles. The temptation, though, is to keep
things safe. Supporting a friend does not mean excusing or enabling
behavior patterns that need to change. A real friend is not afraid to
share hard truth in a sensitive manner. Remember, "as iron sharpens
iron." This only happens as we courageously speak into other people's
lives with our cautions and counsel, and give them permission to do
the same for us.
For example, suppose your friend is struggling with workaholism. He's
fixated on getting ahead in his career and pleasing his boss, to the
point where he's beginning to neglect his family. It would be easy to
keep things comfortable by saying, "Well, I'm sure your family
understands. And it's not like you can quit your job. You're doing
the best you can. Just get through this busy period, and then you can
focus more on the family."
That may make him feel good, but it doesn't address the fact that
there is a real problem here. If we want to help each other grow as
husbands and fathers, we need to be prepared to ask each other the
tough questions. What effect is this overwork having on your
relationship with your wife and kids? Does the way you are spending
your time match what you say your priorities are? What changes could
you make so that you are meeting your legitimate work obligations
while also being home more for your family? How can I pray for you,
and how can I help you in this?
This is a level of friendship that most guys never experience. Again,
it takes time to get there. It's built on a mutual commitment to go
deep, and on a foundation of trust based on the knowledge that we
truly want the best for one another.
One final note: you may be wondering why your wife can't just play
this role in your life. Isn't it enough that you have to be
accountable to her? Definitely, you and your wife have invaluable
roles to play in spurring one another on in your character
development and family commitment. Nevertheless, it's important that
you each have friends of the same sex to work your personal issues
with. There are temptations that you face as a man that your wife
can't fully understand. You may even have issues that you need help
facing (sexual temptations, pornography, etc.) that would cause too
much strain in your marriage if your wife was the one keeping you
accountable. That's why a close friend is truly indispensable.
I am encouraged because I see this kind of friendship growing in
popularity in today's society. And with the temptations that assault
us on a daily basis, it's absolutely critical to have someone to walk
through life with if we want to stay on a godly path. Regarding your
friendships, if you keep on doing what you've always done, you keep
on getting what you've always got. Take the risk. Go deep. And go out
with the boys with real purpose. As it says in Ecclesiastes 4:10, "If
one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who
falls and has no one to help him up!"
No comments:
Post a Comment